The other night as I drove back from Rockford, I found myself telling Danielle some funny stories about when Tif and I used to have our sleepovers at Nana's house. After finding ourselves laughing and giggling, I started to reminisce over those times…..and suddenly realized over the past 6 years, I have not told our "funny" stories, or about the times Nana was alive.

I was much luckier than some, being so greatly influenced by my grandparents. Some of the things we used to do were just hysterical. When Tif and I would have our "sleepovers" at Nana's, we used to lay there in bed and have "feet fight" wars to upset "Miss Kitty"…we would just giggle and giggle as this poor cat went ape s*** chasing after our feet, until eventually Nana would come in yell at us to go to bed. Or as Grandpa would fall into a deep sleep – he would snore or talk to himself and Tif and I would just lay there giggling.

We would always wake up to Grandpa's waffles (which is something I miss greatly, it was always a special treat for him to make us waffles). Or when we would come home from school and have the fridge full of our favorite foods, pops, juices and ice cream. A meal was always waiting for us when we came home from classes or when we'd come over on the weekends for dinner.

I remember when we were very young, we would change out of our clothes and put on layers and layers of Nana's old "play clothes". We would then proceed to walk out back to the far edge of the property line, climb up Nana's FAVORITE pine tree, and proceed to SLIDE down the branches. Until eventually, Nana would yell out, "YOU GIRLS BETTER NOT BE IN MY TREE!!!!!" lol. Tif and I were such hellions as a child : )

Quite possibly my favorite story growing up – which is a story that Nana and my mother would constantly tell people was one night when it was "my" turn to stay at Nana's house. We were laying in her hydabed and I was sucking my thumb (which you must keep in mind, I did from the time they could get ultra sounds of me in the womb, to the time I was in 8th grade – 12 yrs old). I believe I was 8 yrs old, and Nana and I are laying here looking at one another and she goes, "Get that thumb out of your mouth". "No, Nana, it's delicious, here, you try" and I proceeded to grab her thumb and stick it in her mouth. She pulls it out and says "my thumb is yucky" (as I'm continuing to lay there sucking my thumb), and I go, "Well here Nana, you can have mine" and I shoved my own thumb in her mouth lol

Driving home from Rockford made me realize that I was not letting Nana's memory live on, in the matter it should and was deserved. I became so focused and obsessed with her death and how horrid it was, that I forgot about all the amazing times, memories and stories we had. The holidays, birthdays, the celebrations and sleepovers, were all spent with our grandparents.

The past six years I have spent doing nothing, but reliving and re telling, how painful and horrific her death it was. How much it hurt, how hard those times were, and the emotions and regrets I went through.

Nana left me two amazing gifts. It was the night I had come back from my WIU orientation in May of 2002. It was just days before she had slipped into a coma and when I walked in, I went and laid next to the couch where she was laying. She told me how proud of me she was (God it was like yesterday), and she goes, "I want you to have something before it's too late". She scurries to the kitchen, as I follow her. She hands me her favorite red ruby ring – which I still have to this day.

The second gift she left me, was not for me, but for my entire family. After her death, the funeral home had come to the house to take her away. As they began loading her into the hurse, the brightest double rainbow you've ever seen, filled the sky directly over her house. We broke into tears, as we knew it was Nana's way of letting us know she had just entered the gates of Heaven. (gosh, my body fills up with goosebumps just thinking about that time again).

Growing up, when we would go for drives out in the country, it was always never UNCOMMON, for us to be singing at the top of our lungs, "do your ears hang low", "California here I come", "Oklahoma" and "Somewhere over the rainbow". Naturally, it was only appropriate that Nana left us a rainbow.

Even on my darkest days, I find I will almost always see a rainbow in the sky, and I know that's Nana's way of showing me she is still watching over me.

I sometimes wonder how things would be different if she were still here, how would I have turned out, how would I be now…. But truth of the matter – who cares? I realized, exactly 6 days ago, it is not worth questioning the "What if's" or the "pain", it's not worth remembering the last few weeks of her life.

Nana gave me and my family the world. And for the past 6 years I have done nothing to give back to her. I realized that I should be sharing the joy, the laughter, the stories that bring tears to your eyes and make your belly sore from laughing. It's about carrying on her memory for the amazing woman she was. Cancer took my grandmother before I believe her time was up. (BUT), if it was not for the cancer, who knows what pain she may have faced down the road.

I cannot apologize enough to my friends, family and my Nana for the horrible things I have done and recounted upon. I did not let my Nana's memory live on the way she deserved to have it.

I am forever grateful for the sacrifices Nana made to take care of us kids and the gigantic role she took in our lives. Although I cannot take back these past 6 years, I have several years before me, to let my Nana's legacy carry on the way it deserves.

Nana is with me everyday. Sometimes I wish she was here to tell me verbally how proud of me she is, or to give me a hug when I desperately need it. But it seems when the days get unbearable and I feel like throwing my hands up, I just have to look to the sky, find my rainbow, and know Nana's there.

There isn't a doubt in my mind, that one day, when my time is up, you too, will be able to look up above, find your rainbow, and someway, I will be right there with Nana. Just look to the sky.

One day, I too, will be somewhere over the rainbow.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?